I did it! I sold (almost) everything I own, shut down my business, canceled all memberships, moved into my car and just drove away.
No idea when I’d be back and no plans to come back at all really. I’d left the important things like family photos and documents with my understanding sister and my dog with my son.
I was free. Oh my god….I was actually free!
I had a comfortable life, had divorced my husband several years ago, was running my own cruisy business in a cool upmarket street, lived in a beautiful old rundown house high in the treetops, surrounded by beautiful birds and was so close to the beach and groovy little cafes I could walk there every morning – but something was just ‘off’.
I’d get up in the morning, have a cup of coffee while watching the birds on the verandah and find myself bowed down with my head in my hands. I felt utterly desperate and hopeless. There seemed no way out, I had done everything right, raised the kids, paid my bills, kept in touch with everyone, given my all in my health business but this life I was leading just didn’t cut it any more.
I was heartbroken, sad, and totally lost.
Having tried to be everything to everybody the time had come when I was no longer needed. My sons are grown with their own businesses, partners, families and responsibilities of their own.
My body was not what it used to be, nor was my enthusiasm for life. It seemed like there was nothing new out there for me, I just couldn’t think of anything to do that would excite me and bring back my inner joy. Every day was a groundhog day – the worst sort of day.
This had been going on for years and I had been trying to ‘fix’ it by repeating what I thought was expected of me. By providing a home for my family to come home to if they wanted, running a business and juggling all the things involved with that, studying new things to keep my mind busy, changing my routine to therefore change my way of thinking, meditating daily to alter my future, trying desperately to be happy.
None of this worked
Even though I thought I was pretty ‘cosmic’ and a peaceful person – I would find myself criticising others, complaining and comparing and doing all the things I didn’t like in others. I had no rudder and found myself wandering through life aimlessly and with no focus or passion – just repeating and repeating over and over again, watching my words to make sure I wasn’t going senile – yet. I had become afraid of getting old, but at the same time felt as if I was and had finished all I had to do here and maybe it was time to move on….I really just didn’t know anymore.
My previously dynamic self had simply disappeared.
I had become not nice to be around, but I had no idea how to change it.
The day I realised that I was doing the entirely wrong thing was the day one of my sons rang and told me how much he was earning picking apples. I went silent for a bit – he was earning more than I was – I am fully qualified in several fields, give over and above to my clients, have decades of experience, always offer after care advice and am fully contactable at all times – and here he was picking apples – no qualifications needed – hard work but no responsibility and this really struck me like a sledgehammer. My life after 50 wasn’t what I had thought it would be.
I was ripping myself off, getting nowhere and had no future. My time as a natural therapist had met it’s use-by date – it had years ago, but I refused to see it. It was time to move on and where better than outdoors? Picking fruit sounds idyllic, beautiful, adventurous and fun. I would be using my body, getting fit, meeting new people and making a good living as well – I thought!
Once I had decided to do this I was simply ecstatic. The change in me was palpable. Suddenly I had a reason to live, a challenge to be met and a totally unknown future that I was choosing myself.
The fact that I was choosing to ‘not know’ to literally take a complete leap of faith and do the scariest thing I could think of gave me a whole new sense of perspective and excitement. My life was back in my hands, I was once again the driver of my destiny and happy to live with the consequences.
Taking a leap of faith isn’t new to me – I’ve done it several times before, but this time it was different. This time I was on my own, no kids, no responsibilities, no idea really. The only direction I had – was to simply ‘go’.
Every piece of furniture I sold was like removing a part of myself I no longer needed.
That vision of me walking down the stairs, out the door and down the road – just walking away from everything really happened. it seemed so simple…