Following on from Ch3 where I went through some pretty amazing stuff, realised my limitations and faults – but still came up with no answers that were substantial.
The following are my thoughts on coping. I wasn’t really having a good day.
Thurs 8th Oct
Today I woke up feeling pretty antisocial, not wanting to talk to anyone, in-fact feeling angry at everyone. It may be because the Danish people next door have gone silent and I’m feeling paranoid, I’m not sure, but it adds to my insecurities.
This anger is a familiar and uncomfortable place to be for me when all I want is my sense of humour back again.
I’m going to use a method I’ve tried before to attempt to find my happy place again….so – lets go…
I’m writing down the things I’m really happy to have:
- my car with its super comfy bed – it’s ridiculously comfortable.
- the ability for me to work hard physically (at my advanced age)
- my family who are supporting me in their own way through this journey of mine
- I love what I eat, its so easy, tasty and healthy
- my music (yay for the occasional internet to stream it)
- my little camping spot in the bush, it’s just so peaceful here
- Joe Dispenzas meditations – doing these outside at night while looking up at the night sky is ……amazing.
- blueberries and the fact that I have a job here! It’s just great to know that SOMEONE will employ me!!
- my ability to take things in my stride…haha…I have NO idea why I think this right now.
- finding this place and putting up my tent before I was sure I even had a spot here, yep, age has it’s advantage at times
- my tenacity, (stubborn, take no crap, wilful are words that come to mind)
- my willingness to learn new things
- my little dog – oh, I miss him so much.
- I love my new life even though I have no idea where it’ll lead me
- I love my windswept/unkempt look. I’m messy, wild and often very wet and dirty. Its awesome!
This list looks a little bleak and even shallow.
I am feeling like it’s not enough – like me.
A reflection maybe?
The truth is that life has become very simple now, I don’t really need much at all now – and my solitude, space to meditate, good food and a comfortable bed are my mainstays of happiness. Right now that’s all I need. Take about simplifying my life.
Tiny houses – eat your heart out. I live in a tiny house in a tiny town.
The temperatures today were 41C, so HOT. Being out in this sort of heat is something I haven’t done since I was a youngster. Becoming wary of the ‘dangers’ of the sun, the fears of more skin cancers and being a big part of the Australian culture means nothing out here. The backpackers here have no idea of sunscreen, insect repellant, skin cancers or the hole in the ozone layer that is right above us!! That always amazes me (the ozone hole I mean).
My skin is very prone to skin cancers and I have got rid of dozens of them over the years. So being in this heat and in direct sun all day is so out of my previous comfort zone, but for some reason I’m feeling ok with it.
Everyone is hot, there are Germans, English, Irish, one Scot, Danes, LOTS of Taiwanese and a Canadian, so it’s not like I’m the only one suffering here.
There’s a feeling of camaraderie here I’m only just starting to see – albeit from a distance due to my self-enforced isolation.
I’ve only been out here for 11 days and it feels like ages! I’m not sure if thats good or bad.
Yesterday when I came back to camp the wind had blown my tarp down, it was flapping about madly with no anchor points left at the edges. This means no protection from the nightly heavy dew, rain and relentless sun.
I was so totally relaxed about it and its all just so confusing at times.
It’s like I’m re-forming new ways of thinking, prioritising, cooking, communicating and am still LOVING the fact that no one knows who I am.
Its just such a relief to have no authority over anyone or anything.
I think Im a bit scattered judging from the way this reads.
My life is far from complete and the journey has only just begun.
Maybe I should just leave it there.
Next….My search for clarity is rewarded by a bit of reggae which renews my hope and settles me down.